


the first and last

by badlandsdun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Death, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide, im sorry, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 17:00:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7446925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badlandsdun/pseuds/badlandsdun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler remembers his first and last kiss with Josh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the first and last

**Author's Note:**

> this is actually such a mess im sorry

The first.  
Their first kiss was a mess.  
After school on a Wednesday (Tyler remembered the exact date. Wednesday, April 13th) the two had gone to Josh’s house to study together. Tyler had teased Josh relentlessly-“A study date? Some first date?” accompanied with a wink. Josh had smiled, bashfully, his face red. This was their first time hanging out together out of school and he didn’t want to mess it up. Even if they were just studying. Josh had messed up enough things in his life, and didn’t want this to be another.  
It was later, one and a half biology packets filled out, when they stopped suddenly. They flipped onto their backs (on Josh’s bed, of course) and started talking. About silly, dumb things that didn’t even really matter. The things they wanted to do over the summer, what they wanted to do when they were done with school. Tyler talked about basketball, and how he wanted to do well in an upcoming game. Josh smiled, a smile so genuine and big, happy to hear about the things that made Tyler happy. He loved seeing Tyler happy.  
It wasn’t until Josh spoke up did Tyler realize the butterflies in his stomach. He sits up as his stomach tosses and turns, listening to Josh’s next sentence.  
“Y’know I’ve liked you for a really long time.” Josh mumbles, his hand darting up to cover his mouth almost immediately after saying it. He’s sitting up now, breathing heavily. He wonders if he messed up. He wonders if maybe, just maybe, he misread Tyler. Maybe he doesn’t like him back. Josh is about to apologize when Tyler places his lips onto his (It’s 4:27 pm at this point, Tyler remembered. He remembered everything about that day, it being one of his favorite days. From the way Josh had put bagged lays chips on his cardboard pizza during lunch, which all of their friends thought was disgusting. From the way Josh tapped his pencil rhythmically on the table during English, which everyone else thought was annoying. And from the way Josh smiled at Tyler as they walked to his house, the sun glinting off of his smile. He looked happy then, healthy. Tyler wanted to remember him that way forever, all messed up hair and careless smiles).  
It’s a mess. Tyler is shaking as he tilts his head, and Josh’s hands are sweating as he moves them to the back of Tyler’s head. The kiss ends almost as quickly as it began, but they don’t pull away. Smiling into each other’s lips, both content. Both nervous and shaking.  
The last.  
Tyler, at the time, wasn’t aware it was the last.  
It was a Tuesday. Tyler didn’t remember the exact time he left their dorm, or the exact time he kissed him, and wished he could remember. What he could remember was that Josh told him he was sick. He could remember the way Josh looked that morning, his face a canvas of pale whites and dark ghastly purples, sunken in bones and bags. He looked sick. He said he was sick.  
Tyler didn’t know better. He should have known better.  
Tyler remembered Josh tell him he wasn’t going to class that day, that he felt like shit. Tyler tucked him into the futon the best he could, smiling at his love as he did so. Tyler remembered leaving shortly after that.  
“I’ll miss you,” Josh had said, gazing up into Tyler’s eyes as he hovered above him. “I hope you have a good morning.  
“I’ll miss you more, probably.” Tyler said. Tyler had smiled then, pulling the covers up under Josh’s chin. That was when the last kiss occurred. Tyler leaned forward, attaching their lips for the thousandth time. There was nothing different, nothing spectacular about this kiss. It was just a kiss. Josh tasted like cough syrup (Tyler remembered thinking, after it happened, that he must have really been sick. Why else would he taste of couch syrup?) and Tyler made a joke about getting sick after kissing him.  
Josh had smiled then, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. Tyler didn’t notice.  
Tyler wished he had noticed.  
“Have a good day, Tyler. Goodbye.” Were the exact words Josh used as Tyler walked out the door.  
How didn’t he notice?  
Tyler doesn’t remember much between that and finding him. Everything between that was a blur, and then it was not. Then it was sirens, and screams, and then there was Tyler. Silent, in shock. In shock as a girl from one of Josh’s class cried next to Tyler. He remembers wondering why. Why didn’t he notice? Why didn’t he do anything? Why did Josh do this? Why didn’t he get help?  
Tyler didn’t look as they carried a black body bag out of their dorm. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to remember Josh as anything but the Josh he knew from four years ago. The Josh from April 13th, all messed up hair and careless smiles.


End file.
